Sunday, November 25, 2012

Thin

My dad once wrote, "My resolve is thin veneer, chipped and worn to nearly nothing. When you are alive this can happen you know."

While I wouldn't point to my resolve as the focal point for me currently, I understand the sentiment exactly. Of late, I have simply felt...well, thin. I enjoy my kids and family, and had a good day on the Deschutes today but I just don't feel right about anything. When I smile, it is for a short while and doesn't reach down deep. When I laugh, it seems to be only on the surface, and the underlying sadness is simply there, frequent and sudden and somewhat overwhelming. When you are alive this can happen you know.

My sister Darby once told me she likes the way I write..."you always go full circle, and bring things back to center" she said. Well, right now, I have no point in writing these first few words. No circle, no center, nothing to come back to in the end. I feel thin. Stretched out and knee deep...this is good on a carp flat, but in the cold of winter when missing your dad and unable to find the peace and joy you once found so easily on the river...it hurts a bit. I know this: I am still fishing, but the joy isn't there right now. And I miss my dad.

 

10 comments:

FishnDave said...

Been there. You'll always miss your Dad. You will find joy in fishing again. If you believe the departed stay with us, he's there when you're fishing. Look around, sometimes there are signs. This might sound corny, but I'm reasonably secular...and I still believe it.

Mr. P. said...

Very poignant, John. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Jason Johnson said...

Beautiful, poignant, honest, and naked post. Kudos to you for being enough of a man to write it. Your father is right there with you, on the water, more than ever.

Gregg said...

That was a very touching. Also been there but that's no solice I know. Sorry, so sorry.

Gregg

Brett Hartley said...

I felt the hurt reading your post. Know your Dad lives on in everything you do John. His spirit is there in your children as well. And when you fish he is there with you too. You might even feel his presence sometime when you are out. You will turn to look for him and he won't be there. But you feel a warmth wash over you. That is his spirit in you reminding you he will always be with you.

Ty said...

You do him a great deal of honor with these posts, John. Love that quote.

Brian J. said...

Amazingly honest post-- feel thin for as long you need to, John. Fishing is just fishing, and family matters more. Hands down.

My thoughts and prayers for you as well.

Pete said...

That's a great quote from your Dad.

I lost my mom a few years ago and it takes a while, but eventually you'll be able to settle into fond reflection on your times together. And you'll think of all the things you're inadvertently passing down to your kids from your parents and be at peace with the ways he is still here. Maybe not tomorrow, but you'll get there, bud.

Wendy Berrell said...

Your dad's around. Thanks for the post.

cphatts said...

I know this is probably only meager comfort right now John, but I have also been there myself and you are not alone....both in losing a parent and also in not finding as much joy on the water at times. I wish you the best in moving forward and know that someday you will again be back to center. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Tim

Tim